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Thursday, May 1, 2008, 8:59 AM

i realize i'm a very insecure person.

well, for one, i hate surprises. they could have been planned on my behalf; planned to make me happy, but i'll still feel a tad bit apprehensive when i find out about it, reason being i hate being kept in the dark.

it could be a well-meaning thought. but it irks me to see people whispering and giggling about something and when i ask them what they're talking about, they say "we cant tell yet! it's a surprise!" -.- usually i will laugh and say "oh alright then." but actually, i'm feeling really irritated at being treated like a goon. (see, insecurity)

for two, i hate it when people talk about me behind my back. okay, i know everyone hates this, but in my case, it might not exactly be talking behind my back, maybe just talking about me without my knowledge. it may not be a bitch session about me, in fact, they may actually be saying something nice about me. but honestly, it makes no difference to me.

for example.
person A: oh the other day person B and i were talking about you!
me: *feeling dubious* oh really? what about?
person A: nothing really, she just mentioned she thought you were quite cute.
me: oh.
person A: happy right?? people say you cute....
me: *wants very much to say "honestly, i dont give a damn. why the hell do you two talk about me anyway??!* *but actually says "hahaha, yeah. tell her i think she's cute too."

-.- -.- -.- (see, insecurity)

i dont know why i feel this way. is it normal? im just really scared that something will go wrong, or there's something i dont know about. like if there is a surprise, i'll think "what exactly are they planning? are they going to EMBARRASS ME?? are they gonna throw me in a pool?? WHATTTT???". or if there were people talking about me, i'd think "maybe she said something else about me too??? like she thinks i'm cute, but also a little stupid??? WHATTTT???".

(err. disclaimer: i'm not actually saying i think people would say im cute. im just using an example.)

so. to anyone who comes up to me and says "wow! you must be really happy, having your friends plan such a SURPRISE party for you!" or "wow! you must be secretly happy that so-and-so TOLD ANOTHER SO-AND-SO that she thought you were cute!".....

you dont know me very well.